i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
