right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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