Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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