Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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