Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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