I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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