Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
