five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
