my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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