toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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