I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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