I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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