Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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