I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
