My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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