does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
