i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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