Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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