I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
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You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
God I need to hump something, right now.
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