Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
