dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
