Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
