I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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