My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
