I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
