Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
