I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
