Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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