you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
