i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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