you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
