If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
