I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
