That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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