I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
