Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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