my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
