just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
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this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF