nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
