got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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