Tell her she can't have a vagina
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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