as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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