how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Are we still banned from the library?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
