i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
All I want is dick and wine.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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