I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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