My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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