He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
