I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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