i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need water and some morals
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
