i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
