my mouth tastes like poor choices
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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