My sheets look like a crime scene.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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