I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
