literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
sarcasm needs its own font
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
