his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
