i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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