thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
