It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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