I have demons in me.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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