Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
